Wednesday, September 29, 2004

Don't ever taser yourself

I found this on a message board I belong to. It's very funny.

My wife Gerry is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to “Well, I have out done myself once again.” No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a Life Time movie in the near future. Here goes.

Last weekend I spied something at Larry’s Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my “fancy” is easily tickled). I bought something really cool for Gerry.

The occasion was our 30th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip.

For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you’ve never seen one of these things in action, then you’re truly missing out--way too cool!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don’t need no stinkin’ directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I’d get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee. . I’m easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to Gerry what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc. There I sat on the couch, my dog Maggie looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Maggie) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Maggie for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet dog, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to Gerry to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time.

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts with my glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I’m looking at this little device (measuring about 5” long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, “no friggin’ way!” Friggin’ way - trust me, but I’m getting ahead of myself.

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best.

Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I’m sitting there alone, Maggie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, “don’t do it buddy,” reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil’ ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn’t you agree?).

I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight-- always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don’t ya hate that?)

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY SHIIIIIIITTTTTTT! DAYUMMMMMMMMMMN!!!

I’m pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Maggie was standing over me making crying sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, “do it again, do it again!”

(Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You’re not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you’re lucky, you won’t jam one of the prongs 1/4” deep in your thigh like yours truly.)

SONOFABITCH that hurt! A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I’m pretty sure. By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I’m offering a reward. Miss ‘em. . . sure would like to get ‘em back

I never had a stripper pole in my dorm room . . .

Why didn't I know anyone like this at JU?

Students punished after stripper pole party

JACKSONVILLE, Florida (AP) -- Three students at Jacksonville University have been punished for installing a stripper pole in an on-campus apartment and taking pictures as fully clothed women performed on it at a party. A female student who won a dance contest also was disciplined.

About a dozen women competed for a $100 Victoria's Secret gift certificate September 11, said James Foster, a 20-year-old who hosted the party. None of the women disrobed.

The men bought the steel pole from The Home Depot, bolted it to the concrete ceiling and attached the bottom to a plywood stage covered in red felt.

"Honestly, we just wanted to say we had a stripper pole," Foster said. "We never actually expected girls to dance on it."

When university officials ordered the men to remove the pole, they complied, but not before building a huge party around it.

Signs reading "Pole Dancers Wanted" were posted around campus and the men bought large quantities of beer. Friends were enlisted to check identifications and manage security. They charged $5 for men, and women were let in free.

The party ended shortly after the beer ran out.

John Daigle Jr., a school spokesman, said the party's hosts may have violated the university's alcohol policy and broken rules against indecent behavior and the making of unapproved changes to university property.

Daigle, citing school privacy rules, would not identify the students or the punishment they received, but said: "The university took this seriously and the punishment was appropriate."

Punishments at the university can range from a reprimand to dismissal.

Foster said he was put on residential probation through November 9 and had to write a letter of apology.

Daigle said he later learned the woman who won the dance contest was also disciplined, but would not say what her punishment was. "There was no public nudity involved here," he said.

Residential adviser Amber Davis said the party degraded women.

"There are other ways they can go out and get a girlfriend if that's what they want," she said.

The men have taken down the pole and converted the stage to a pingpong table.

Monday, September 27, 2004

Some more football thoughts

I think my new football strategy is to pick against the Jaguars every week. Through three weeks, they've given up a total of 28 points, but the Colts are coming to town next week, so we'll get a chance to see just how good their defense really is. Of course, since the Colts D is so bad, we may actually score some points.

Kurt Warner almost looks like his old self again. It's too bad the Giants's receivers are somewhere between okay and mediocre.

Some folks are saying that Miami's woes are due to the absence of Ricky Williams. Not having Ricky doesn't help, but I think their horrible offensive line is to blame. Look, in their three losses, the Dolphins's D has given up 17, 16, and 13 points, so they're holding up their end. A.J. Feeley and Jay Fiedler have been running for their lives and Miami's running game is non-existant, and it's due mostly to atrotious O-line play.

The Colts's defense is horrible. So is the Vikings. These two teams will both make the playoffs, but unless they can find a way to stop teams from scoring in December and January, neither is going to the Super Bowl.

Another team whose defense is bad is the Chiefs. However, unlike their Colts and Vikes, the Chiefs aren't scoring gobs and gobs of points every week. In addition to re-hiring defensive coordinator, they Chiefs may have wanted to pick up one or two free agents in the off season.

Deion who?

Being the senior high youth fellowship lead is killing my football-watching time. It's week 3 and I haven't seen any pre-game shows.

The Bucs really need Keenan McCardell right about now. Their offense is hurt (Joe Jurevicius, Joey Galloway, Michael Pittman) and needs some sort of spark. McCardell has never been (and never will be) a number 1 receiver, but he's a solid #2 guy and brings a lot of production to the table. McCardell says Bucs GM Bruce Allen and head coach Jon Gruden have a personal vendetta; I don't know about that but it seems to me that hey really need his help and should do what they can to get him on the field.

I really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really hope that Bobby Bowden sits Chris Rix down for the rest of the season and lets my fellow Leon County Public School alum Wyatt Sexton play QB for the rest of the season.

It looks like the Lions's luck finally ran out, of course, there's nothing wrong with being beaten by a good Eagles team.

I'm going to be out of town for the next two weeks, so I have to set my fantasy football schedule now. I only hope I can squeak by.

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

What's the Over/Under

Britney Spears got married again.

I wonder how long this one will last. I give her 6 months until she's separated, 10 month until the divorce is final.

And then she'll be on the market again.